Scott Walker for President!


The real David Koch unsurprisingly signaled his support for a Walker presidency way back in April, but now that ol’ Scooter’s made it official (never mind Friday’s premature announcement—seriously, never happened, not his fault, moving along), it’s time for the fake David  Koch—you know, me!—to weigh in on what the media will certainly bill: “The Most Important Election Ever!” Ain’t they all?


With the imminent collapse of civilization due to global warming Al Gore’s fat hypocrisy, there may be a rising tide of truth to that claim. At the very least, considering the Supreme Court’s repeatedly terrible righteous rulings on campaign finance in the last few years, it will surely be the most expensive election in human history.

Welp, after literally billions of dollars are wasted prudently spent trying to manipulate educate America’s rubes wise citizens regarding our next, fearless, and definitely not balding leader (for reals, you guys, it’s a scar from hitting his head on a cabinet! Geez!), there should—there must only be one man left standing: Scott “Badger Balls” Walker.

Walker may not be the president America needs, but he may be the president America deserves! And if not for America, America, because Walker may not be that great for America, America, for me, America. Got it, America? Cool. Because I really need this. I’ve had fuck all going on lately. Really, it’s pretty sad.

And if there were any remaining doubt, Walker’s campaign logo illustrates that he’s definitely America’s Best (choice) for Contacts & Eyeglasses (vision & bold leadership):AmBest

Walker’s in. I’m totally in. Are you in? Don’t you want to fight and win and junk? You should be in. Just be in.

This election’s going to be horrific. Horrifically fun!