BREAKING: The following is a leaked transcript of a call between Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz & Vice President Joe Biden.
*ring-ring* *ring-ring* *ring-ring*
Joe: Yo, Biden residence, ‘sup?
Debbie: Hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Debbie. How are you?
Joe: Good, good—FUCK! Or I would be if these lil’ fuckers stopped trollin’ my fuckin’ respawn. So who dis is?
Debbie: Well, I don’t, um—Debbie. Wasserman Schultz? From the DN—
Joe: Look, I told you fuckin’ cock-holes to put me on your—CHEATING MOTHERFUCKERS!—do-not-call list. What don’t you understand about—
Debbie: No, Mr. Vice President—Joe, it’s me, Debbie! You know, “Lil’ Debbie!” From Florida?
Joe: For reals? Never got a snack cake cold call before, but, OK, well, shit, man! Put me down for a dozen—a case! I just ate dinner, but Jill didn’t make dessert, so how soon can you get ’em—FUCKING FUCKWADS!
Debbie: No, Joe! Mr. Vice President, this is Debbie Wasserman Schultz . You know, “Debbie What’s-her-name Charles Schultz?” “Peanut?” “D-nut?” “Deez Nuts?”
Debbie: Your, ugh, “Lil’ Jew-Jew Bean?!”
Joe: Lil’ Jew-Jew Bean! Oh, hell! Why didn’t you say so?! Sorry, I got these fuckin’ Korean kids talkin’ shit in my ear. I don’t know what they’re sayin’, but I just know they’re callin’ me a fag—like not gay, but, like, you know, the bad kinda fag who sucks at Halo—or like that Louis C.K. bit? “Meeeh, people from Pheonix are called Phoenicians.” Shit’s classic. FUCK! Maybe I do suck. Suckin’ a Big D here. Big D! Debbie, yeah, wassup, kid?
Debbie: So, yeah, OK. Well, we had a big pow-pow at DNC HQ today, and we came to the conclusion that you should really announce soon.
Joe: Fo’ real-reals?! MLB HQ? Wicked! Awesome! I’ve always wanted to announce a—With runners on first and third, Honus Wagner steps up to the plate—AND HE KNOCKS THE LEATHER OFF! It’s going, going, going—
Debbie: Joe! No. No, sir. No. I said the D-N-C.
Joe: Duke, North Carolina, in da hizzie, y’all! Boomshakalaka!
Debbie: Democratic National Committee.
Joe: Oh, I know. I was just playin’. They busted my brackets. I told you about that.
Debbie: Yessir, you sure did! So. Right. We have your team ready, so all we need is for you to take aim, and pull the trigger.
Joe: I’m sorry, Lil’ Jew-Jew Bean. I can’t. They gave me this super glitchy PS5 for my birthday. I mean, it’s awesome—next-gen shit, you know?—but it freezes a lot. A. Lot. Totally frozen right now, yo. It’s cooler than bein’ cool. It’s ice coooold! Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright!
Joe: You know what to do-oo-oo!
Debbie: Yes, we do!
Joe: Lucy Lui. Beyonce. Baby dolls. Get on the floor!
Debbie: Mr. Vice President?
Joe: Sorry, dude. Seriously, the Love Below was, like, my entire ’04. Every goddamn day on the Amtrak, son! Know what I’m sayin? I mean, all respect to Big Boi. Speakerbox was bomb, too, but Andre 3000. Shiiiiiiiit. Know what I’m sayin’?
Debbie: I think—I. Yes! I know what you are saying, Joe. Now, when is the soonest you’d feel comfortable announcing—your campaign?
Joe: What the fuuuuuuuuuck?! How do you know about my forthcoming signature champagne? I only told Jill and B-O-bombs about Biden Drank. I mean, it’s not technically champagne because it’s made in Cali, but’s gonna be Riunite on Ice, that’s nice! Know what I’m sayin’?
Debbie: Yes, I’m afraid I do, but I said CAMPAIGN, Mr. Vice President. If you’ll forgive the pun, it’s time to put your champagne dreams on ice. It’s time for you to help out Hill—billies, and, um, rednecks, hicks, and progressive democrats alike, and drop your Vice, Mister, um, President. She needs you—this beautiful lady of a country of ours! Will you be ready in a week?
Joe: Dude. Are you fuckin’ serious? OK, taking off my headset. Did you really just say the DNC wants me to be president?!
Debbie: Well, yes, we want you to run for president.
Joe. But—but I couldn’t do that to Hill. She’d be so pissed! And then freakin’ Bill would call me, and be all, “What the fuck, mang?”
Debbie: No, Hillary wants a, um, robust democratic field! I assure you, Joe!
Joe: I wouldn’t want to take votes away from Hill in the primaries—especially in New Hampshizzle, know what I’m sayin’? Bernie’s creepin’ up up there. And did you see how many mufuckas dude drew in Madison?! It’s was, like, ten-thousand, yo!
Debbie: Yes, we noticed. But our internal polling indicates that you wouldn’t cut into Hillary’s base.
Joe: So I’d be—
Debbie: According to our focus groups, you’ll appeal primary to, um, train enthusiasts. Yeah, train enthusiasts.
Joe: Cool! Amtrak fo’ lyfe! I said it with a y.
Debbie: A “why?”
Joe: Because that’s how my tattoo’s spelled.
Debbie: What the actual—you know, Joe, it’s been great catching up, but I have a long list of other old, populist white guys to call. You know, just in case!
Joe: Oh! You should call Bernie, dawg! I like that dude. And just between me and you, he might have a shot at this thing. Dude’s got a killer crossover, know what I mean?
Debbie: OK. Gotta go, Mr. Vice President!
Joe: So when do you want me to announce?
Debbie: We’ll get back to you when we have more data, but for now let’s put your campaign on the back burner, OK?
Joe: Unbelievable! With all due respect here, Deb, you simply cannot place champagne over heat!
Debbie: You’re absolutely right, Mr. Vice President. Let’s just forget this entire chat ever happened. Well, I really must be going now.
Joe: You little bitch!
Debbie: Excuse me?!
Joe: Fuckin’ Koreans, man.
Debbie: Right! Of course, the—naturally. OK, then, GOODBYE!
Joe: Wait! I’ll take some Thin Mints! Hello? HELLO?! FUCK!
The authenticity of this transcript has yet to be confirmed, but anonymous sources close to Biden say that it totally might be real.